Today I Cried

Today I cried for the loss of a woman whom I never met, didn’t spend much time thinking about and never really appreciated how much she impacted my life.

Today I cried for the loss of RBG and all of the advancements she helped advocate and secure for women.

Today I cried at the thought that those things are now threatened and from the feeling of helplessness to stop it.

Today I cried for my 80 cents on the dollar.

Today I cried for the fear of my freedom as a woman to choose what is best for me.

Today I cried for POC and immigrants and the LGBTQ community whose actual lives are threatened every day and the impact it must have on their health, personality, their entire being.

Today I cried for all of things that have been taken away from us these past few months by a faceless disease and the incompetency of those in D.C. who are more concerned with getting re-elected than the lives of the people they are entrusted to serve.

Today I cried for the realization that those who run the country don’t value or care about me and probably never will as long as they view my right to life, liberty and justice as an infringement upon theirs. 

Today I cried, and cried some more, and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. And then I began to research, I began to prioritize, I began to do all of those things that matter so much but I never found the time. Today I found time. Today, I found my voice and I will use it to prevent my tears from falling in the future.

A Vacation Frame of Mind

With life on hold and travel plans cancelled I am so thankful that we were able to sneak up to Dunsmuir for a two week break from life and work.  And even better, with the kids getting older I feel like we can really start to relax the routine and not completely fuck up the rest of the day, week or year.  Dare I say it, I can now actually have a vacation rather than just a change in scenery.

In just a short two week period, all rules went out the window. We had more than our fair of ice cream and French fries, we enjoyed late dinners and even later bedtimes, we snuck in a few extra movie nights, and I fully let down my hair with evening gin and tonics, champers for breakfast and dinner (with apple cider for the kids), and I actually didn’t work.   It felt like Lisa circa 2010 but you know, now with kids.

Milkshakes from Penny's 

Frosties from Burger Barn 

Lake Siskiyou

Castle Creek

Alva being Alva

Castle Lake

A Sense of Normalcy

It took a two hour conversation with Martin to work out the details and a follow up conversation with the parents to lay down the ground rules. Negotiations were had, compromises were made and the plans were in motion. We were going to spend some indoor quality time with my parents up at Dunsmuir. Close proximity and hugging and all.

And those four days were amazing... It almost felt normal. So much so that, similar to my pregnant stress dreams of accidentally drinking while pregnant, I had stress dreams of forgetting about COVID... you know, I am at a crowded indoor bar or at a large birthday party hugging and dancing with all of my friends and family and then all of a sudden I realize that we are still in the midst of a pandemic and I should be wearing a mask and keeping six feet of distance outside.

All kidding (?) aside the time spent with my parents made me realize how much I missed them and reminded me to never take the time with them for granted ever again. It was truly the most basic moments during the four days that will stay in my heart forever: Alva crawling up on the couch to sit on Grandpa’s lap within an hour of their arrival, Oskar sewing masks with Grandma, walks with Kona and Grandma in the evenings, Oskar catching his first fish with Grandpa and Martin. And even just the quick 30 minute therapy session with my mom in the kitchen with wine when the kids were... well I am not sure what they were doing.

It was perfection in its simpleness.

The Birthday That Wasn’t / So This is 40

I had big plans for my 40^th birthday and, considering I normally don’t like celebrating my birthday, this was big for me.  It was going to be epic: 40 days and 40 nights of celebration leading up to the big day in September.  There was going to be a girl’s weekend in SLO, a week-long wellness retreat in Mexico and a two week vacation in Italy with all of my closest friends and family invited.  I had already put a deposit down on our villa in Tuscany at the end of February, had drafted up the email to everyone to lock in the dates and had started planning out the details of flights, logistics and what to pack/wear. 

Two weeks later and everything was cancelled… but, as I celebrated my birthday stateside this past weekend, I am truly not bothered by it. To be honest, while it would have been amazing to see all of my friends and family, the idea of traveling to Europe and hosting a week-long celebration in Tuscany actually sounds exhausting.

I guess this is what being 40 means: hedging expectations, settling for the easiest option and finding contentment in that decision.

Psychological mind games aside, my birthday was incredibly nice. Similar to last year, we spent the occasion up at Dunsmuir, breakfast champagne and afternoon cocktails and all. And while we couldn’t have dinner at Café Maddalena’s, we were able to enjoy fresh picked blackberries with vanilla ice cream for dessert, which is all I had asked for.