Oh the Shit You Will Pack

As previously mentioned, I got bored over Thanksgiving weekend and wrote a children's book for adults about all of the shit you have to pack when travelling.  A parody of Dr. Seuss’s Oh, the Places You’ll Go! if you will.  I submitted the book six months ago in hopes of getting it published. Unfortunately they weren't interested, so instead of attempting to find another publisher, I thought I would share with the world via my blog.  

I hope you enjoy it!

Oh the Shit You Will Pack

So you’re off on vacation, hip hip hooray! 

Pack up your bag and you‘re on your way

Call a taxi, take your car or hop on the bus
Nothing can stop your wanderlust

Breeze through the airport and stop for coffee
No lines for you and your TSA Pre

But wait what is this, you have children you say?
It is no longer that easy to get away

So I’m sorry to tell you, I take it all back
Here is a short list of all the shit you will pack

The stroller, the diaper bag, the child’s car seat
Their pajamas, the crib, don’t forget the crib sheet

Their lovie, their binkie and a few extra swaddles
Their bib, baby formula and a set of glass bottles

Don’t forget to pack clothes, some socks and some shoes
An assembly of outfits for the vacation you choose

Then pack a few extras and multiply it by three

They require more outfits than an awards show emcee

Hooded towel, travel tub, toothbrush and toothpaste
Better wrap up this packing, get going, make haste

Baby monitor, high chair and a few plastic baggies
Some for wet clothes and all of their soiled nappies

Diapers, wet wipes and organic butt cream
A thermometer, Tylenol, and baby sunscreen

Band aids, nose Frida, the nebulizer
Disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer

Sunhat, swim diapers, mittens, or warm jacket
If ever in doubt say fuck it and pack it

Is this vacation even worth it, you might ask
After making a list all of the shit you will pack

That one favorite shirt that you didn’t know he liked
Might as well pack it, no need for a fight

Shampoo, baby carrier, picture books by the stack

Is there anything in your house you haven’t yet packed? 

Bottle warmer, sound machine

That all too important thing a ma jing

Toys for the plane, toys for the car
Pack too few and you won’t get far

Pack enough snacks to feed a small army
Better to be safe than hungry and sorry

A bottle of wine to help you relax
I’m already exhausted by all the shit we’ve packed

Have more than one? Multiply this by two
It doesn’t get easier just a bigger ado

Do you have everything? Now stop and think
Oh what the hell, might as well pack the sink

One bag, two bag, three bag, four
Fingers crossed you still fit through the door

Out to the car and the puzzle begins

How will you fit all of the shit you’ve packed in

Start with the trunk, now it barely closes

The rest at your feet and up to your noses

How does such a small child take up so much car space

Your old ways of traveling have left without trace

Go for one month, a week or a day
The shit you will pack always remains the same

Traveling alone doesn’t mean you’re shit free
You will still pack your guilt and a little anxiety

Leaving your child at home while you travel
Surely in your absence the house will unravel

But even with all of the shit you will pack
There is always one thing that you can count on for fact

And that is the love of your little world traveler
Because travel is the true gift of a life spectacular

They will one day appreciate all that you do
When they have their own kids and have to pack for them too

So until you discover a much needed life hack
On how to avoid all of the shit you will pack

Learn to love the chaos and try to remain strong
And enjoy these moments, they will soon be gone