Words of Wisdom to My Kids

With the kids back in school I have found myself missing my time with them and fretting over our decision to send them back.  We were just starting to really bond and find a good routine.  And I was loving seeing them pick up on all of our mannerisms and life’s lessons.

And with all of my “free time” it has gotten me thinking about how I will eventually teach them about the bigger things in life especially when the daily stuff (like naps, diapers, etc go away) and we are ambushed by the responsibilities of raising an empathetic, caring citizen. Below are some of my initial thoughts, although I am are sure I will continue to add to the list. And hopefully I can use this as a cheat sheet for the key messages that I will want to get across when the time eventually comes.

There really is only one thing you need to know and that is the golden rule (you know treat others how you would like to be treated).... but at times that perfect rule might seem too short and broad to provide any guidance. So here are some additional thoughts to live by.

Never try to play catch up. It never ends well.

Puberty and high school are rough but they are just a blip in your life. I promise you won’t remember why it was so rough in just a few years. So keep your head down and your eye on the prize of graduation.

Be firm in your beliefs, but remember the power and freeness of letting things go.

You will at times experience big emotions (love, pain, hurt, loneliness, of sense of being lost, betrayal, joy, jealousy and so many more). It is good to embrace and acknowledge these emotions. Hold on to the good ones and remember that the bad ones diminish over time so don’t let them consume you.

Be kind to one another. I know siblings can seem at times like their only role in life is to make you miserable but trust me they are the only ones who will be able to laugh with you about your childhood, commiserate with you about your crazy parents and truly understand you and all of your flaws and still love you.

When it comes to sex you are going to hear and be taught that “no means no”. That is important but not enough. You should really live by only “yes means yes”. Only a verbal yes (not a head nod or wink) is okay. Anything other than a verbal yes and we have a serious problem and I have failed as a parent.

Sex can and should be fun and enjoyable. And it should ideally involve someone you love but at a minimum should be with someone whom you share mutual respect, especially someone who will respect your decision if you want to stop.

You will be offered and maybe curious about drugs. When this happens ask Uncle Cody. In the meantime, in the words of the famous addict and lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers, Anthony Kedis: “Your first time will always be your best time... so be prepared for a lifetime of disappointment thereafter.”

Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t enough. If they feel that way, acknowledge it and move on, there are too many people, friends, jobs, opportunities out there to waste time on someone who doesn’t believe in you.

However never turn down constructive criticism. Done honestly, it is the best gift someone can give you. Take it and then choose what you want to do with it.

Write thank you notes.

A good attitude and a willingness to learn and improve is way more valuable in life then having all of the answers.

Try new foods. You don’t have to like to, but you have to at least try it. Same goes for traveling new places, trying new things and meeting new people.

There is a fine balance between the fear of experiencing new things and true fear. It is important to learn the difference. The best way is to trust your gut. If something doesn’t seem safe or feel right, then don’t do it.

Embrace diversity and the differences in people, whether it is their culture, skin color, opinion, religious beliefs, up-bringing, whatever.

And as for those theological differences, you don’t have to agree however it is important listen and try to understand a different point of view. Remember the smartest people on the planet at one time thought the sun went around the earth. You might be the smartest one too, but you could still be wrong.

Okay, that is all I can think of for now, but I am sure I will add to this list as you grow.  What else did I miss?

Aging Gracefully?

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash” - Sofia Tucker

I have no idea who Sofia Tucker is, but this quote (which I found in a joke book about turning 50 at Dunsmuir) struck home. She almost has it right...however I think a woman needs cash starting around 40. Cash has definitely helped me in my unpreventable slide into 40.

To back it up, I am incredibly thankful that my parents raised me to have confidence in myself and to not place too much stock in my external appearance. I was raised to believe that beauty and happiness comes from confidence and a sense of self, so that, instead of fancy clothes, shiny hair or flawless makeup, is all that ultimately matters. And I truly believe it. I have never felt the need to alter who I am to make me seem more attractive or desirable... okay I might have had a few moments during my teens and twenties and I am sure Martin would appreciate a little effort here and there, but overall I stand by that statement.

And yet... with 40 quickly approaching I have found the willingness, time and money to make a few investments in myself this past year. Call it denial, call it vanity, or call it self-care... hell you can even blame the pandemic...I deep down might not be aging as gracefully as I had expected given how I was raised. And with this process, it has taken some cash.

Hair removal, hair replacement, fancy hair dryers, personal trainers, life coaches, medical repairs, newest gadgets, clothing rentals. I am and have been down for it all this past year. I have spared no expense and am willing to consider any option to help with the inevitable onset of age and to undo the past five years of pregnancies, breastfeeding and general child rearing. No joke, I even bought a fancy new lipstick in the midst of a mask wearing pandemic.

And is any of it really helping? No, not really. I still look like the same old me, just now maybe with tinted lips. But overall there is more than a little joy in splurging a little bit on just me. Everything else in my life seems to be shared with the family so it is nice once in a while for a little indulgence and self-care.

Summer on the North Coast of California

Warning the below post might come across sounding like a self-centered, ungrateful white girl. And, as the post is mostly about my memories from when I was younger, they probably are from a self-centered, ungrateful white girl. I just hope that I have matured a bit since then.

Growing up, we spent a lot of time at the beach: whether in Santa Cruz while my dad surfed or up the coast while my dad dove for abalone. My memories of these times, like all of my memories growing up are sparse but vivid; like 10 second clips from a very graphic movie that cuts in and out of my life every few months or years. Cut to me as a young teenager… I can smell the salty air, ripe with the stench of drying kelp on the beach covered with sand flies. I can see the wind whipping my hair into a rat’s nest that will take days to untangle. I can feel the cold fog in my bones even through my sweatshirt and long-sleeved shirt covering my bathing suit put on with the dismal hope of a nice day for laying out. And finally there is me leaving the beach feeling sticky and dirty after a day shivering in the elements, ready for a warm shower. Alas, my beach days were not always like those I had envisioned... Mine were the days on the North Coast of California not the warm sandy beach days of Southern California.

And now with every weekend spent up the coast at Timber Cove, with the summer fog and gloom in full effect, I can’t help to revert to those memories.

A sunny mild day? I am bundled up waiting for the fog to roll in and ruin the fun. A walk along the beach? Every light touch on my legs I assume is a sand fly or bug ready to attack. A light breeze? Might as well be an Arctic storm.

It might sound extreme, but childhood memories (either real or imagined) can impact people in crazy ways. And I may be prone to dramatics.  But thankfully, slowly but surely, I am getting a little better at embracing the elements and appreciating my surroundings…

And as for that maturity that hope I have gained? I now realize that the issue wasn’t of location or lack of beauty or fun, but mostly of bad expectations (and of course my being selfish and ungrateful).  Growing up, I wanted and therefore expected warm sandy beaches, and that was definitely not the case in most situations.  And it is that desire that set me up for disappointment. If I had just appreciated the moments for what they were, I would have been so much happier.  For instance I now love a cold foggy windy day at the beach… it gives me the perfect excuse to stay inside and read a book while occasionally looking out at the winter weather in summer. 

Just another warm sunny summer day on the coast...