So I Married an Axe Murderer

We will call it the perfect storm of happenstance, dumb luck and little bit of dark humor that culminated with me talking with a retired crime scene investigator on how to get away with murder and identifying potential flaws in my hypothetical plan to murder Martin with an axe.

But first - let me state it loud and clear – I love my husband and everything I am about to write is a joke.  A terrible, inappropriate joke and one I will regret the moment I post this. But share, I must.

A few things have happened recently that have gotten me to this point:   

• I was introduced to the podcast “Crime Junkies” by McKane and I now listen to it almost daily on my morning walks.  As you might infer from the name, Crime Junkies highlights gruesome crimes (most of them murders) including the police investigation, potential suspects and open questions (if the crime has yet to be solved). 
• I found a bar with axe throwing and really enjoyed it. 
• Martin and I have watched one too many dark crime series on TV resulting in a hypothetical conversation on how to dispose a body, if needed.  Note to my readers, if I go missing and you can’t find a trace of blood, you will know it isn’t Martin.  The man has never been able to properly clean up a mess and I am still finding blood splatters from his most recent injury. 
• I have learned the value and importance of long term planning.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago, one Tuesday morning when I had to go to Timber Cove to meet the delivery guys who were dropping off our outdoor table. And, knowing I had the time, I figured I would tackle a few mini projects up there while I waited.  Loving a good small hardware store, I had stopped by the Ace Hardware in Petaluma to buy brackets to hang my rake, hoe and apple picker on the wall in the mechanical room. 

While I was at the store, I realized I probably had time for a few more projects (delivery windows at Timber Cove are notoriously wide and are always missed), so I decided to browse the aisles to see if I could come up with a few other ideas.  In an instant, I knew what I had to buy… an axe!  I was going to set up my own axe throwing board at Timber Cove.  We had wood, paint and plenty of space, I just needed an axe. 

Like I always do, I asked for help locating the axes in the shop, I asked for help in identifying the correct one based on shape, size and comparison to my pictures from my axe throwing night, and then headed up to the counter to pay making a complete scene and having multiple conversations about my axe purchase with everyone in line. You know what they say… it is best to hide in plain sight.

Unfortunately I actually didn’t get a chance to set up the axe throwing board at Timber Cove (the delivery guys were surprisingly on time in their specified window), but I did start the clock on when I could potentially use the now infamous axe in an accidental death… because nothing looks more suspicious than buying the murder weapon a week or even a month before the tragedy.